That’s right folks! Your intrepid reporter Oli J has come through for you again! In an exclusive interview with me, Gabe Newell has revealed details about Half Life 2, Episode 3!
The first thing to note is that this is going to be a complete overhaul of the previous game. Gone are the serious, grim dystopian cities, and instead we’ll be seeing bright lights, gaudy visuals and plenty of boob…
“Gordon Freeman has undergone a change.” Newell said after an hours poking with a sharp stick. “He’s no longer the silent scientist man of the people. He’s pimp, he walks with a swagger and talks with one too.”
Wait! Gordon Freeman will finally talk? “That’s right mysterious stranger! We’ve hired the talents of John St John to finally bring a voice to Gordon Freeman. I mean, really we just stole the audio code from Duke Nukem Forever, but hey, fans won’t notice when Gordon tells Alyx he’d ‘tap that like Hammer Time.’”
Not only that, but Half Life 2, Episode 3 will be released in 6 parts, with parts 2-6 as paid DLC. But don’t fret gamers! As each part will come with an exclusive hat that Gordon wears during the game! “Naturally you won’t be able to see the hat, as the game is First Person, but you’ll have the knowledge of the hat.” Newell said as I held a can of petrol over him.
While we couldn’t obtain any screenshots or video footage of the game, Newell promised us lot’s more of innovations, which included integration with Valve’s other franchise Portal! “The Portal Gun and Chell make an appearance, with a twist.” Gabe added I did a ceremonial dance to intimidate him. “The Portal Gun now has an anti-matter mod which can transport certain items from one place to another, hence Gordon Freeman’s catchphrase ‘Bitches need to be naked.’” Newell added that they included this after speaking to a focus group of single, male gamers.
But it’s not all good news. Newell confirmed that Valve felt a bit slighted as pioneers of the gaming industry. “Duke Nukem Forever took 15 years to be released, the longest gestation in development history. Naturally, we want to beat that. Hence Half Life 2, Episode 3, Part 1 will be released on April 1st 2023.”
I thanked Gabe Newell for sharing this information, and immediately left his island fortress after hearing sirens. But I’m sure you’ll all agree that it was worth it for such nuggets of info! Heck, you’d have to be an April Fool not buy all this!